Pull the trigger

 You told Victor and me your last name meant oak hill so I erased it from your contact and I put a tree and a mountain emoji instead. I don't know why I did it, I just thought for some reason is more special to have your name and some emojis than your full name. It's very stupid, but so it was to buy you a vanilla puding in Lidl or to make extra food almost all the time (and I didn't do it more because I didn't want to deal with Marta) for you or to know that if you just asked me to go to Estonia I would leave it all and go there or to wait for you to decide everything so I can make my life work around you and I still did it.

I'm not going to say you don't deserve it because probably you do but not now, not yet, not after only one month of knowing each other. But I still do it, you see? I have a saviour complex big as a castle and I really believed for once I was able to like someone that doesn't need to be "saved", that doesn't have a lot of issues. But fuck me and my sight, how could I be so wrong? The problem is you don't really want to be saved, I think. You make fun of everything and are sad on your own, at least that's the picture you give to the world. Maybe you let someone in, how can I know when I'm not the chosen one? So, in the end, because of you I'm gonna be the one who needs saving and I'm pretty sure you're not going to be there if I need you to.

Since I have a smartphone I have always turned off the wifi when I go to sleep. At first I did it to save battery, I couldn't charge the phone while I was in my bed, you know, bunk bed stuff. Then I did it because of the light, the freaking led that lights up every time someone writes you and I was in a lot of wasap groups at the time. More recently I got used to have the phone in vibrating mode instead of silence so I did it for the sound because when it vibrates it sounds so bad and it's horrible. But guess what? Since I came back I don't turn the wifi off, I leave it on and put the phone under my pillow just in case you want to talk to me at four in the morning. For now the only thing I achieved is to have a very early morning because of Facebook fucking notifications.

I know I have a problem and I know it's not your fault that you don't feel the same way about me. It's okay. I never counted on you even liking me but you keep saying these things and then not doing anything about it. You better than anyone should know how anxiety works and maybe this is not a trigger for you but it is for me and a very, very big one. It's true, I don't bite my finger's skin but I drink and I write and I think, I think too much and then I can't sleep and I think more and I just can't do anything else during the whole day. Do you remember when you told me that straight men the moment they met a girl think about the children they could have together? I thought about it before you told me it was even a thing. I imagined how it would be to live in a red wooden house in the middle of nowhere with you and I wondered if our children would have blue or brown eyes. Then I remembered I really don't want to have kids but I definitely thought about it way too much. 

I just wait for you to talk to me. You said you wanted to know me more, for fuck's sake, ask me something. I want to know you more, tell me about your day, what did you do apart from watching Futurama. I want to know. I'm not going to speak to you again, at least I'm not going to start a conversation, it's tedious to feel over and over that you don't really want to talk to me. 

Like I said, it's okay. We could have spent a couple of very fun nights in Zagreb together but apart from that nothing's gonna be that different.