What's the point on writing to you anymore? What's the point on trying to make you feel something? I don't want to write, I don't want to care, I don't want to love you. But I needed it. Like a drug, like chocolate, I am always, constantly looking for love everywhere I go. I am an oxytocin yonki, I have always been. And you were the perfect candidate, of course, so handsome, so mysterious, so quiet. So in love in the end, so far away from me that by trying to reach you I have fallen from a considerable height. And it's not like it has been the worst because it hasn't, Julio left me way more broken than you, not to mention Miguel but it's true that I didn't expect it to be as bad as it has been. I didn't think I had it in me to love so deep in such a short time. You should feel flattered, I suppose, but I'm afraid you don't really care that much, why should you?
Now I can't help but wonder about the volunteering. Something inside me screams that I should cancel it, it's not worth it, you are too much and to deal with you and have to work with you in so many things and not be able to feel close to you in any way is gonna break me definitely, I won't even have someone to lean on if I need to like last month. But I'm a hopeless optimistic and I haven't lost all hope. It's stupid to think you can change, not because you can't but because you don't want to and lately I have been embracing change every time I see it, just in case I find something more interesting. But I have been in your shoes and I can understand the fear. Still, it's weird someone like you doesn't like changes. You have been living abroad I don't know how many times, you are a volunteer, how can you not like it? You don't consider those changes? I don't know, I have to stop trying to understand you, it's bad for my mental health and probably for my physical health too, since this morning I have a fucking tic in the eye and I'm suspicious it has something to do with all this absurd situation.
I said we don't have anything left to say but I know for sure that's not entirely true, at least from my part. You see, I'm always writing, taking out all I think so it won't suffocate me. I don't know if you have anything else to say, you never really said anything important to me, why would this time be any different? But I don't know, I like to hang to a burning nail and think that maybe you would like to say something else. Maybe you take my advice into account (uf, how it hurted to say it out loud) and you tell her and she says she doesn't want you and then you would be free to move on. I wish.
I can't do the project life now, you are in too many photos, I have to write so many things about you and I don't want the memories to be spoiled by how I'm feeling right now. I feel horrible. Empty. Like a void. I feel like the only thing I wanna do is to spend all my savings to go to your place and hug you and take care of you if you're sick. I want to meet someone interesting tonight, some engineer from Juanma's group that can make me forget about you for a couple of hours. I want to have sex but I know I can't do it if I have just met the person. I want to have sex with you. I want to make you feel the most special person in the world. I want to make you happy. So much for my pride, huh?
And I don't know what to do about Zagreb. I feel the most logical thing to do would be to stay one night either at Victor's o in some hostel in Zagreb and go to Daruvar as soon as possible on the 28th. Yes, I suppose Daruvar is home, home is safe and I want to be there before you arrive. I don't know why but I want to be there as soon as possible. Maybe even I can try to take the last bus on the 27th. A bit tight, yes, but it could work. I don't know if it's because I can do better than you and if you want so bad to go to Daruvar I can be there before or because since I'm not going to see you in Zagreb I want to see you there as soon as possible.
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