Last weekend

 I don't want to drink anymore. I don't want to smoke. I just want to be with you for these two days and not think about Monday. I want to go to a hotel and sleep with you in a proper bed. I don't need to have sex with you, I just want to connect with you, feel you, kiss your eyelashes. Now I know that I love you so much it hurts and it definitely shouldn't. They said last night that I deserve better but I don't agree. I think I deserve you because I have chosen you, I just deserve a better version of you. Probably I won't be able to get to know this version and that breaks my heart a little but it's fine, this too shall pass. I will delight myself with your presence and your absence of words and your smile and your laughter and the way you look at me sometimes (that look that could break down whole armies) and I'll do my best to not drink just in case you want to talk. I'm gonna miss you so much, you can't even start to imagine how much, maybe because I have been missing you this whole month. It's so creepy, I know, but you illuminate the room when you cross the door and I just want to feel like that moment over and over. But yeah, I'm writing this instead of answering the questions Manda sent us because I can't concentrate anymore. My brain is fucking melted and I had just five hours of sleep and if it weren't because I had to go to the pharmacy probably I would be a bit drunk too. I know you don't love me, of course I know, probably that's why I know that I do. I just don't care. My feelings don't depend on yours, which may be a bit problematic, if I would've seen the signs maybe I wouldn't have fallen so fast and so deep for you. But I couldn't help myself, even though I tried. You ticked every single box with your stupid attitude and your intelligence, with your sad look and your bad jokes, with your puzzles and the kisses on the neck, how could I not fall in love with you? Anyway, it's easier this way I suppose, you upstairs answering questions and me downstairs complaining about you. It's only for two more days.

I can't believe I'm spending the last saturday here all by myself. I can't believe you're not coming down, what the fuck?