March 20th

 And the constant fear that you're going to run away hunts me everyday, all the time, especially when we talk about relationships, I never know if you're joking, it breaks me to not be able to see the whole picture of your circumstance. And the end is near and I can't help but think about this month, about the youth exchange, about how you're going to go back to her the moment you stop seeing me. I don't even know if you're not with her, how can I know? You don't tell me anything unless I go behind you and basically harass you. Now that I know about the pills and the depression I understand a lot of things but it's complicated to not hate you when this shitty day has passed and you haven't even come down to check on us after I told you what happened in Impress. I still have the feeling that you don't care about me at all. And to talk about depression makes me feel depressed and I just want to be alone. I want to be alone. I want to be alone. But I also can't help loving you in such a deep way it actually hurts to be away from you. So toxic, so dependant, so sad. I still know you don't feel the same and I suppose it's still okay given the circumstances but fucking hell, how happy would I be if you felt a bit the same. I'm so afraid of asking anything that I may just implode one of these days. Fuck it, I need to see dead people, I haven't checked on the cementery this month.