Bad day, good day

 My heart aches today and it's not because of you. I think I have suffered so much in so little time because of you that I have built myself a very big and very unstable wall I only use when I listen to you, just in case you can say something you don't think but also don't take back. No, today I miss him, I miss him so much, after three months I still can't believe he did what he did and, most of all, I really don't understand. Why doesn't he want me to be part of his life? What the fuck did I do? It's going to be haunting me for the rest of my life, I know, I just want to understand. Probably that's why I keep asking you things, with him everything was so secret, he was so complicated, he never really opened even though he said I knew him better than anyone. And probably was true but it wasn't enough, why is it so difficult for people to feel vulnerable? After ten years it was so tiring to keep trying and in the end I suppose it wasn't enough. It never is and when it is it's not enough for me. It doesn't even make sense anymore. But you're here and he's not, he will be working or something, I haven't heard from him in so long. It's hard to think there was a time when we almost lived together, when we shared everything. But after all I can't help but think it was my fault, I pushed him to the limit and he couldn't say no but I fucked everything up, like I always do. And then he said no. Do I understand after all? I really don't want to think it was my fault, it was such a weird morning and such a good night, I don't want to believe that sex destroyed our relationship after so many years, it just doesn't make any fucking sense. So since I can't understand anything about my life I come here and I think about you just to not think about him. Miguel, Edu, Sebas, Laura, Celia, Fiona. Just to keep my head and my heart numb I make things more complicated than they are. But the problem is that the feelings are real after all these fucking weeks.