It's been a while since I felt like this and now I found someone I really miss

 I've been planning on writing, but to be honest I didn't feel like it. I was too busy being very sad and going out to have time to write. I shouldn't be doing it now either, I have a million things to do ("baby, but you hit my heart with a harpoon...") but I like to procrastinate way too much so here I am, waiting for the stairs to be dry so I can go up, take the bed cover, bring it to the big washing machine down the street because it doesn't fit in ours and then I will print the paper for the youth exchange and with any luck I will do something that kinda resembles a wand.

I am very scared, I have been for three months, I have told you, I have a lot of reasons to be. I have never fallen for pretty people. They were attractive but not objectively handsome, I never cared about looks anyway. But then you came with your 1'9m and your blue eyes and your lovely smile and my insecurity is obsessed with telling me every person that surrounds you is going to fall in love with you just like I did and at some point you will find someone you like better than me among that mass of people and I would like so much to have the right to say that we belong to each other. Not as a possessive statement but as a proud thing to say. "We chose each other, I am so happy and so proud of being able to call you my partner" ugh, I think I'm gonna puke. But yeah, deep down I would like that a bit. I'm not really sure when it happened, it must have been at some point during these three weeks because I'm pretty sure I didn't want this when I was crying my heart out in your bed last day. I don't know, maybe I got tired of missing you. 

But you said that and the world fell apart. I don't know how to feel less, I'm so sorry but I was devastated. I almost didn't eat for two days, I wasted my mornings, I wasn't able to get out of bed. And now I'm blocking the feelings, I know that, I'm anchoring myself to that stupid phrase "I would rather surprise you than disappoint you" and it's very silly of me 'cause what I said about you is true: you don't eat and you don't let anyone else eat, you won't let me move on because of course it's so nice to feel loved and appreciated and I am allowing it for now because deep down I know you feel more than what it looks and you're forgetting it but you will remember once we see each other but I won't continue like this all summer, you will have to choose and yeah, probably it would be complicated but at the same time I have the feeling that it could be so worth it. I don't want a distance relationship with you simply because I don't want to be apart from you. I want to discover the world and myself with you, I want you to be proud of me (which doesn't make any sense, you don't have any idea what I've been through to be where I am) and I really want you to love me. Ugh. So needy.