Those bright blue eyes can only meet mine across a room filled with people that are less important than you

Not having you near is good for me in a lot of ways, but it's also very, very bad for me and for you. I needed space from you, that's for sure. I needed to see the world beyond your eyes again, I needed you to not be the center of my universe for a couple of weeks. And for me it's very complicated to not send a picture every five minutes of what I'm doing because I think everything could be new and interesting and it could turn into a reason for you to come and visit me. But every time I have a bit of free time I start thinking about everything that happened and I get angry. I get terribly, profoundly angry at you and if I don't have you near the anger just gets bigger. I know the reasons, I know the fear and I'm doing my best to forgive you because after all, if we stick to the facts you didn't have to tell me anything. I mean, I specifically asked you to not lie to me but apart from that yeah, there wasn't a reason for you to tell me the truth.

I don't know how to forgive you, I don't know how to trust you completely. I trust you now more or less but what can I say? You came back to her while you were kissing me every night, how can I trust you're not gonna do it again? How can I be sure I'm not gonna turn into her if you go to some other project? But we are not together, that's the difference I guess, you learnt from your mistakes and that makes me a lover but nothing more, you can miss me but you can't afford to be in love with me, you are too scared.

I want to reach that point where I can tell you about all this, right now I'm still not very sure how to behave around you, I want to tell you everything, that I have already checked the Estonia travel guide, that I looked into car rental prices, that I just want to see you again and I don't care about the place or the circumstance but that still I'm terrified of what you can do to me. 'Cause you told me you would love to show me around and my heart melts for your words but you still have to talk to your parents. Cultural differences, I suppose. I'm scared two weeks are enough for you to stop feeling whatever you feel about me.