This is the last time that I will say these words

 Me miro en el espejo entre todas las fotos que he ido recopilando a lo largo de los meses. El pelo comenzando a encresparse, las clavículas siempre presentes, independientemente del peso, la forma rara que tiene mi boca en la unión entre el labio inferior y la barbilla. Te veo donde estoy, cada mañana en calzoncillos peinándote y con legañas aún en los ojos. Me veo desde la cocina mirándote mientras preparo el desayuno, día tras día, admirando tu belleza cambiante.

Cuando te fuiste te dije que tenía miedo de que volviéramos a pelearnos y tú lo solventaste con un simple "vamos a intentar romper el patrón", pero nada ha cambiado, ¿no? Tú sigues no contándome qué pasa en tu vida y no interesándote por la mía. Ya ni siquiera siento celos. No me da miedo que te acuestes con otra persona, me da miedo que esto sea todo a lo que podemos aspirar. Una vida simple, sin pasión, en la que en realidad no nos escuchamos. Una vida en la que algo tiene que pasar para que haya la suficiente iniciativa como para salir por ahí. Una vida en la que nos lo pasamos mejor cuando nos echamos de menos que cuando estamos juntos.

Esta vez no sé si te echo de menos, mucho menos si es de una forma madura o no. Vuelvo a hacer planes a medio plazo y no sé si te incluyen.

When am I going to learn from my mistakes? When am I going to be able to break the freaking pattern, since you are not doing it? I love you but... That it's just not enough. And the worst part is that I have my one year ago self screaming at my ear that what the fuck am I doing. Well, maybe not a year ago, a year ago I already knew how things worked with you, but maybe a year and a half ago. Anyway, she's there, looking at me with disapproval and telling me I will regret it. She doesn't know what I've been through with you, she still doesn't know about the lies and the yes and no as answers for months and the unknowledge of your situation around me. She just knows about your smile and how much she wants to rip off those clothes of yours. She wasn't in love with you yet, she was just sad, horny and destroyed. But I am not anymore, now I am angry at you for not even trying, for thinking that a "how's your weekend?" is gonna erase the fact that you have barely been in contact since you left. Again. But this time I am not going to tell you about it, this time I'm gonna let you enjoy while you can becase I'm afraid this is the end. I gave you an ultimatum, a last opportunity and you haven't taken it. And I am tired of myself trying to catch your attention by doing this. I don't need your attention that much. You will come and you will leave again and this time I don't want to see you again. I don't want to wait for you anymore, I am tired of waiting for something that is never going to happen. And I will be strong enough to keep my promise because you have to leave sooner or later and you actually don't have a ticket back, you don't even have to leave the keys. I am exhausted of trying to find something that should be there when obviously is not. I'm sure you will find someone that can love you the way you need to be loved and you will love them the way they want, but you just don't love me how I need right now to be loved. I want more. I need more than what you can offer me and it is not your fault. I just don't want to feel like this for another month. I don't think I can handle it.