Exhausted

 It must mean something, mustn't it? If every time you leave I want to leave you.

At first, believe me, I was convinced it was just a way my brain was using to catch your attention since you were barely talking to me, so I tried to not think too much about it, not give it too much importance.

Then I thought "oh fuck, there's a pattern here, let's try to break it, let's try being mature and rational about it, he's just busy, he doesn't have wifi, he's not him and after three weeks of not answering you he will say he doesn't want to see you again, he only takes five hours to answer, not two days". "Only". 

Then I started listening to my guts and they were doing a demonstration trying to tell me to get the fuck out of there. That it doesn't make it right to take that much to answer without saying anything before just because there were people before that were even worse. That is not fair to justify not showing me off hanging to the "what they may say" and then post things that could make people talk even more. That I don't deserve to be temporary ghosted every time he leaves, having a good night and an I love you the first day and then barely nothing for the rest of the week.

And then, finally, I spoke to Ro. And I didn't tell her anything, but she started talking about her situation and I saw the similarities and I saw her trying to justify herself, clearly hurt by what Gigi did but saying she understands. And I realised the problem is not me, it's the society and how it has told us (women) to hang in there because is worth it. Because our man can be complicated but oh, isn't he nice when he's nice? Isn't he cute in his independence, but then he needs you like he needs a mother? 

So I am done justifying myself, saying "he's still learning, poor thing, he hasn't been in a proper relationship before", I am so done with that. Mostly because no one has ever said that about me. Isn't that curious? I have always known my stuff, how to handle things, how to cook, how to clean, what to say when my "man" needs fucking reassurance, but nobody wonders how I got here, how I got my heart broken over and over by men that didn't think I was worth it to hang in there for, how after months and years I was still the one adapting to the guy's needs, because they are always more important, because it's going to be easier to bend myself and shut up than trying to explain that I also need some fucking reassurance, some stability, because they wouldn't understand. I would be crazy, I would be in those days of the month, I would be lead by my hormones.

I am so done with all this fucking shit.