It's true and I was angry (in that order)

 Me duele la barriga desde que te fuiste. Somatizo con el estómago, siempre lo he hecho. Hoy tenía la sensación de que me había bajado la regla de nuevo por culpa de los retortijones. No sé qué hacer, de verdad que no lo sé. ¿Estábamos de verdad haciendo algo bien simplemente porque nos dolía la idea de no estar juntos? También duele estar así. Esperando. Intentando entender. Haciendo listas de mierda.

I'm here and you are not. The flat doesn't feel like mine but it definitely doesn't feel like yours. Like ours. You keep saying you will come but at this point is not a matter of believing but facts: you are not here when you should have been. And I keep telling myself that you will be extraordinary once you learn to care for other people's feelings, but I don't think I deserve to be the test field for so many months. I keep telling myself you have improved but actually I don't see how beyond the fact that you love me and that's not an improvement. You always say that you don't want to hurt me, but you never said that you want to make me happy. You care for me but you don't know how. And I pretend you don't feel anything so I can put all the blame on you just because I have more experience and I know how to see the red flags, and I know that's not right either. I feel small and I feel big. I feel bad because I constantly think I am making the universe turn around me and it shouldn't, but at the same time I am so insignificant. I could stay in this tiny studio for the rest of the year and no one would notice. I still don't understand why you are doing this. I have never seen a love like this. So small and yet so capable of destroying everything. You say you ended up loving me like it's not weird that you wanted to come to my home without feeling almost anything for me, not to mention the stupid fact of me saying yes. Yes, please, come to my house, let me introduce my family, this is Juhan, we are not a thing but he's staying in the guest room and he doesn't have a return ticket. But he doesn't want to be with me. I am just so blind I would do whatever he wants me to do at this point. But now he wants, though he's never coming with me to Leeds, that would be insane. Nothing changes, maybe we hold hands a bit more, out of my insecurity I have to ask him if we are something real because I can't believe what is happening. Who would? But I felt so happy, so touched by god's hand because somehow you wanted to create something beautiful with me. But it wasn't that, was it? You were just afraid of losing me. It was so comfortable to have the attention and the food and the sex and well, I am not the prettiest girl in the world but I am not so bad either. I suppose you decided you could settle for that.