T minus 48 hours

 I read myself in texts from... how many? Six years ago already? I don't recognise myself in them, I don't remember being that person back in the day. And curiously enough, it's more than clear that history repeats itself. That all the drama has always been there, I just forgot about it for some time. It was nice when drama didn't rule my life, maybe a bit more boring but I can live with that if it means not crying once a week and not wanting to end it all. But now I'm back and when he said by mistake that you were coming on monday I had this overwhelming shitty feeling of not being prepared at all. Only two days to be aware that I will have to deal with you again for god knows how many days. I don't like feeling like this but after all these weeks everything was fun but also tiring. Exhausting. And I write on the envelope for the keychain that it is for the future flat and I just don't know if I want a flat or a future with you. Everything would be so much easier if I just take my overpriced bedroom and stop worrying about finding a place and a future with you. Do you even want it? I still feel you're just kind of doing this because you don't have anything better to do and now that you have your shitty delivery job you're not even making an effort to look minimally interested. So yeah, my worries are as big as the moon and they are definitely not that far and I don't know if I should go back to therapy but I don't have money anyway.